Learn How to Lose: What Happens When You Don't Win

Hello!

Losing hurts, point blank. And when it happens in pageantry, it somehow stings even more. You pour months into perfecting your walk, your wardrobe, your mindset, and your performance, only to end up second, third, or even dead last. Pageants feel like it's a personal attack because you’re being judged on how you present yourself, so it’s easy to take it to heart when things don’t go your way.

Trust me, I’ve taken plenty of L’s, and each one bruised my ego. But those losses also made me stronger and taught me how to handle disappointment with grace and taught me persistence and grit. I’ve also seen women fall apart in the ugliest ways; revealing more about who they truly are than any pageant answer ever could.

In a competition, you can’t expect to win every time. What you can control is how you carry yourself when you don’t. Know the risks. Prepare for any outcome. And if the crown isn’t yours this time, hold your head high and keep your composure. Confidence is powerful, but remember that the crown will fade, and your character will last forever.

Here's what not to do when you lose:

1. Make Allegations: When things don’t go your way, it’s easy to start pointing fingers: “they cheated,” “someone was bribed,” “the judges were biased,” and so on. And while I’m not saying those things never happen, unless you have solid proof, don’t go around making serious accusations. If you do believe something is truly wrong, address it through the proper channels immediately. The longer you wait to voice your concerns, the slower and less effective the response will be. I always tell my delegates that if something feels off, it needs to be brought up before or during the competition, not after. Because once the show is over and the crown is placed, any complaint you bring up may come across less like “calling out injustice” and more like being bitter.

   
   

2. Post it to Social Media: Creating a fake account to vent or drag others on social media might feel like an easy outlet in the moment, but ask yourself: what does it really solve? All it does is create tension and distrust among contestants who have spent months building bonds with one another. It takes one post to turn a supportive environment into a toxic one. When something nasty is posted anonymously, it doesn’t just hurt the person it’s aimed at, it casts suspicion over the whole group. It makes people question, “Who would do something like that?” And let’s be real, most contestants are smart enough to figure out who’s behind the account, and that kind of exposure won’t do you any favors in the long run. Even if you didn't post it directly and a family or friend is the one behind the comment, no one is going to say "so-and-so posted it". No. They are going to say the contestant posted it, and that in itself, is damage enough. Some women join pageants for the experience, the growth, and the sisterhood. Don’t ruin that for them just to make yourself feel better.

   
   

3. Tear Down Your Titleholder: As a contestant, part of your responsibility is to support your titleholder, even if the outcome wasn’t what you hoped for. You might be disappointed or believe you were more deserving, but true support is shown through action: applauding, offering a simple “congratulations,” and keeping any negative opinions to yourself. The moment you start speaking poorly about the winner, you’ve crossed the line from being a gracious competitor to being disrespectful, and that reflects more on you than on her. Refusing to show support doesn’t make a statement about her worthiness, it makes a statement about your character. Sometimes, supporting your titleholder simply means staying silent. If you don’t have anything kind to say, say nothing at all, because trust me, harsh words will circle back, creating tension for everyone involved. Forming little cliques to bash the winner not only ruins the experience, but can also jeopardize your own standing. It’s not unheard of for organizations to remove titles or publicly address poor sportsmanship, and that’s not the kind of legacy you want to leave behind.

   
   

4. Stomp Your Feet Off Stage: Always remember that this is a competition. That means one person will win, a few will become runner-ups, and many will go home unplaced. Before you even step onstage, you should mentally prepare yourself for each of those possible outcomes. If things don’t go your way, resist the urge to storm off stage with a scowl. Whether you realize it or not, the audience, the coordinators, and your competitors are all watching and your reaction will speak louder than anything else. That kind of outburst doesn’t just reflect poorly on you, but it also creates an uncomfortable environment for everyone else. It’s perfectly valid to feel disappointed, frustrated, or even heartbroken. But maturity in pageantry means learning how to manage those emotions. Take a breath, hold your composure, and process everything after you’ve stepped out of the spotlight.

   
   

5. Be a Victim in Your Own Narrative: "Woe is me!" It’s easy to point fingers when things don’t go your way, but personal growth begins with accountability. If you’re unable to identify any areas of improvement in your own performance, that likely means you’re allowing personal bias to overshadow constructive feedback. There is always something to refine, learn, or elevate. Constantly praising yourself without self-reflection can trap you in a victim mentality and once you’re there, progress stops. Continuing to make passive-aggressive remarks or throw shade long after the competition has ended doesn’t strengthen your “statement”, it simply reinforces the image of poor sportsmanship.

Here are a few things you should do instead:

1. Don't Cry Because it's Over, Smile Because it Happened: There is always something to be grateful for. Whether you were a runner up or came dead last, find the positive in the competition you just entered, all the accomplishments you achieved so far, and the outpour of support from your family and friends. Don't let that go to waste as no one can take your experience away from you. It's justifiable to be upset when the outcome isn't what you hoped for, however, don't let that dull your light and who you truly are. Be proud of yourself, how far you've come, and support yourself and your titleholder in everyone's accomplishments.

   
   

2. Grab the Tub of Ice Cream: If you’re feeling defeated, disappointed, or even angry with the results, learning how to self-regulate and lean on positive coping strategies can make all the difference. Treat yourself to something sweet, go for a run to clear your head, or let yourself have a good cry; sometimes releasing those emotions is exactly what you need. But once you’ve let it out, allow yourself to move forward. Whether you’re full of ice cream, worn out from your workout, or dried of every tear, give yourself permission to wake up the next day with a fresh perspective. Embrace it as a reset and a chance to reflect on the past days, weeks, or even months of preparation, growth, and memories. Remember, every experience shapes you, and sometimes the lessons you take away are even more valuable than the crown itself.

   
   

3. Review Your Performance: Looking back at your past performances isn’t always easy; sometimes it can even make you cringe. But reviewing the competition as a whole is one of the best ways to grow. It allows you to see not only what you did well, but also where there’s room for improvement. Watching your fellow contestants can be just as valuable. By analyzing their strengths alongside your own, you can better understand where each of you shined and what set certain performances apart. While family and friends are wonderful cheerleaders, they often focus more on hyping you up than giving honest, constructive feedback. That’s why it’s so important to approach your review with a critical and unbiased mindset. Only then can you truly learn, refine your skills, and come back stronger.

   
   

4. Plan Your Next Steps: If you’re planning to compete again, whether in a different pageant or the same one next year, start by reflecting on what you’ll do differently. Ask yourself: What worked well that I want to keep? What needs to change? What can I add to my journey this time that I didn’t include before? Think about the areas of training and preparation that could elevate your performance and help you shine even brighter.

   There’s a lot to consider, which is why I always recommend preparing at least a year in advance. This gives you plenty of time to build your team, secure a trainer, and connect with sponsors. Proper planning creates a solid foundation for success in helping you map out your goals step by step and giving you the confidence to execute them.

   
   

5. Let it Go: Sometimes it can feel impossible to let go of the past. You may replay moments in your head, cringe at your performance, or even hide in embarrassment over how things turned out. But holding on to those feelings will only weigh you down. Learning to extend grace to yourself and to release what’s no longer in your control is one of the greatest gifts you can give your own peace of mind. Every experience, whether a win or a loss, teaches you something valuable about yourself; how you prepare, how you perform under pressure, and how you respond when the outcome isn’t what you hoped for. Instead of letting disappointment define you, choose to see each competition as a stepping stone, a lesson, and an opportunity to grow. Don’t bottle up your negative emotions or carry resentment toward your loss. Acknowledge them, process them, and then let them go. Freeing yourself from that weight allows you to move forward with clarity, confidence, and resilience which are qualities that will carry you far beyond the pageant stage.

   
   

The Exception

While there is always a way to take a loss gracefully, the reality is that cheating and dishonesty are not strangers to pageantry and can threaten our very community. There have been times when coordinators failed to fulfill their responsibilities, conflicts of interest are present, and results were called into question. Even so, there are appropriate ways to address these concerns. Here’s the bottom line: if you suspect any form of cheating during the competition, you must raise it immediately so the issue can be investigated and handled on the spot. Waiting until after the winner has already been crowned significantly reduces the likelihood of meaningful action being taken. If you discover something concerning after the competition that you were unaware of before, it’s still important to bring it to the coordinators’ attention as soon as possible. This ensures your concerns are documented and considered without jeopardizing relationships and negativity. No matter the circumstances, take careful steps, follow the proper channels, and approach the situation thoughtfully. Handling these moments with composure and professionalism will always serve you better in the long run.

At the end of the day, remember that this is a pageant. It’s meant to be an experience of fun, celebration, and friendly competition. Go in with open eyes, embrace the journey, and be ready for the unexpected. Pageantry is so much more than a crown, a sash, or a title. It’s about testing your limits, discovering new strengths, and unlocking potential you may not have realized you had. Every step, from your very first day of preparation to walking off stage on the final night, is an accomplishment in itself. Win or lose, the true prize is the growth, resilience, and confidence you gain along the way. That’s something no crown can ever take from you.