Finding my Pink Again: Postpartum Depression and Overcoming Obstacles to Becoming a Better Version of Myself
- Metta Xiong
- Oct 8
- 13 min read
Hello!
Sharing personal experiences has always been a meaningful way for me to heal and process my emotions. Today’s topic is one that has rested heavily on my heart for the past year, and by sharing this post, I’m symbolically closing a chapter of my life. This is more than just a story, it’s a deeply personal reflection on my journey. I want to create space for honest conversations about what many women experience but often keep silent: postpartum depression. By opening up about what it’s felt like for me, I hope to shed light on the emotional realities of motherhood, break the stigma surrounding mental health, and remind other women that they are not alone in their feelings or their struggles.
When flamingos begin to nest, they often lose some of their vibrant pink color as their diet and focus shift toward caring for their young. In time, once they return to their usual routine, their distinct pink slowly comes back. Mothers go through a similar transformation, which is why we are often compared to flamingos; we, too, must find our way back to our “pink.” I want to share the raw and real timeframes and weight I've gained and loss to show that it really is a number at the end of the day and weight looks different on everyone. I will also share the mental battles I faced in my own journey, and how I was able to rediscover my strength and reclaim my color.
Disclaimer: The experiences and perspectives shared in this post may touch on body image and body dysmorphia. Please note that I am not a licensed medical or mental health professional. If you are struggling with body dysmorphia or related challenges, I encourage you to seek support from a qualified healthcare provider or mental health professional. You are not alone, and help is available.
Pre-Pregnancy
Before I even dive into what pre-pregnancy life looked like, I want to go back further and share what life was like during my teen years and into young adulthood. At 4'11", my weight stayed pretty consistent: about 100 lbs in high school, 110 lbs by the time I graduated college, and 115 lbs just before the pandemic (April 2020). On paper, many would have considered me small and skinny, but I never saw myself that way.
Like so many girls, I wrestled with insecurities fueled by unrealistic beauty standards and social pressure. A core memory that has never left me was from the 6th grade, when someone close to me made a passing comment about my stomach looking “unflattering.” It may have seemed small to them, but to me, it planted a seed of self-consciousness that lingered for years. It was a painful reminder that words can stick, and they have the power to shape how we see ourselves. From then on, I became hyper-aware of my body, even though my clothing sizes were all XS, S, 0, and 00.
Fast forward to the pandemic. With lockdown keeping us at home, routines shifted. While some people used that time to work out and get fit, I found myself binge-watching shows and snacking my days away. Naturally, the weight started to creep on. Becoming aware of the changes, I made an effort to stay active and maintain a healthier balance.
Eventually, I settled comfortably at 120 lbs (March 2022), a weight many assured me looked good on me. I made intentional choices to eat well and stay active, doing my best to prevent any further weight gain. The day I found out I was pregnant, we were overjoyed. I weighed 125 lbs when I received the news; a moment I’ll never forget (September 2023).
Pregnancy Expectations
When I first found out I was pregnant, the very first thing I did was schedule an appointment with my OBGYN. At that initial visit, and at every appointment after, they recorded my weight, which made me even more aware of the changes my body was going through. They also encouraged healthy habits, daily movement, and all the essentials for a healthy pregnancy. One thing they made clear was that the first trimester often comes with extreme fatigue and they were absolutely right. Around the same time, I had just started a new job and returned to school to pursue my master’s degree. The timing wasn’t exactly ideal for so many big changes all at once, but I honestly couldn’t have been happier.
At my appointments, my OB explained that the average weight gain during pregnancy is about 30 lbs. For me, that meant I was expecting to top out around 150-155 lbs by the end. Instead, I reached that weight halfway through my pregnancy (by January 2024), and it was a shocking reality check. The rapid gain took a toll on my confidence and mental well-being. As I spent more time researching and scrolling through TikTok, I began to feel less alone. I discovered so many women who, like me, had gained over 50 pounds during pregnancy. Knowing I wasn’t the only one helped me feel more secure and reminded me that rapid weight gain can happen to any expecting mother. If you find yourself in the same situation, remember this: the number on the scale is just that, a number. What truly matters is taking healthy precautions and ensuring both you and your baby are well. We must nourish our bodies and our babies so that they can grow with all the nutrients we are providing them (and eat your vitamins!) At the end of the day, that is the best outcome you could ever hope for. Like many expectant mothers, the further along I got, the more my body began to swell, and before long, I was living in oversized XL men’s t-shirts just to feel comfortable. What was supposed to be a season of feeling like a glowing new mother turned into quite the opposite for me.
My Birth Story
Pregnancy is such a strange journey. By the time I was ready to give birth, my hormones and emotions were all over the place. I was exhausted from being pregnant, eager to finally meet my baby, yet still not fully grasping the reality that I was about to become a mom.
My due date was expected to be May 30th, but my little one had plans of his own. He arrived 10 days late, which meant I had to be induced, not once, but twice. The first induction happened the Friday before, and then again the following Monday with Pitocin. I had always heard that Pitocin contractions were far more intense than natural ones, and let me tell you, they were every bit as painful as people said. The day after, I was admitted into labor and delivery. They weighed me in at 180 lbs, a number I barely had time to process between contractions. When I was admitted at 9 AM on Tuesday, I was only half a centimeter dilated. After a long night, I finally reached 10 cm by 9 AM on Wednesday. An hour later, I began pushing and pushed for four hours straight. To me, it felt like only 30 minutes had gone by. Eventually, the doctors came in and explained that I would need to consider a C-section since it had been so long. I was terrified. A C-section wasn’t something I had prepared for or even considered. After the initial shock, I agreed, and within an hour it was all over. My son, Noah, was born weighing a whopping 9 lbs; no wonder he hadn’t budged and he was perfectly content, chunky, and calm. As far as C-sections go, everything went as smoothly as I could have hoped for. Looking back, I can’t stress enough how important it is for expecting mothers to educate themselves on C-sections, even if it’s not part of your plan, because sometimes, your little one has plans of their own.
Postpartum Depression
As women, we often pride ourselves on being able to handle whatever life throws at us, which can make it incredibly difficult to ask for help or even admit we need it. My life had just shifted overnight with the arrival of my newborn. My husband was doing his best to support us, I was still attending classes, and sleep was practically nonexistent. Family and friends offered their congratulations, some even came to visit, but the quiet loneliness I felt inside never went away. The reality of motherhood was so different from what I had imagined. Our daily routine changed in an instant, and nothing could have prepared me for how much my relationships, my energy, and my sense of self would shift. While the world saw this as a time of joy, I was battling feelings that told a very different story. Postpartum depression shows up differently for every woman depending on the circumstances she faces, and I was no exception. For me, it felt like being thrown into a dystopian version of reality; an out-of-body experience where isolating myself seemed like the only solution. I found myself constantly wondering, “Am I experiencing postpartum depression?” Deep down, it felt like I was, but I kept brushing it off, convincing myself otherwise. The truth is, if you’re questioning it, chances are, you probably are. I kept hoping the feelings would disappear on their own and after nearly two months of denial and quietly carrying the weight of my emotions, I finally reached a breaking point and lashed out at my husband. It wasn’t a dramatic outburst, but in that moment, everything I had bottled up came pouring out. Oddly enough, I felt a sense of relief immediately afterward. It still took months for me to truly find my footing again and to come to terms with the changes in my life, but acknowledging this was the first step toward healing.
In all honesty, I think part of the struggle comes from a sense of loss; a loss of who we were before motherhood. We undergo such a profound transformation that it can feel like our self-identity slips away. I had poured so much time and energy into investing in myself and discovering my identity that when it came time to step into this new role, it felt as though I had lost touch with who I was. At times, we no longer recognize the woman in the mirror and begin to feel disconnected from the reality in front of us. We grieve after becoming mothers; the version of ourselves we once knew. Motherhood transforms us so deeply that our old identity feels distant, like a faded memory. For any men reading this, one of the most powerful things you can do for your wife during this time is to be fully present. Don’t just focus on her top two love languages, show her all five, because in these moments, her needs may shift. Acknowledge her, compliment her, remind her daily of her beauty, and celebrate the incredible mother she is becoming. She has carried your child for the past 10 months; offering her consistent love and reassurance is the very least she deserves. Just as women pour themselves into learning everything about newborn care, men can also take the initiative to do the same. Educating yourself about postpartum depression and how to support your partner can make a tremendous difference. Over time, as we slowly embrace this new version of ourselves, our “pink” begins to return. We start to feel more like ourselves again, finding a renewed confidence in who we are. It's like shedding our skin or breaking into a new pair of shoes; give it a moment and we'll begin to feel more comfortable with who we are and our surroundings.
The Health Journey Begins
Alongside the postpartum depression I was going through, I also struggled with my weight and food choices. In the Hmong culture, it’s customary for new mothers to follow a 30-day chicken diet to heal and replenish the body. This meant eating nothing but boiled chicken, lightly seasoned with herbs, along with rice. Naturally, the weight began to come off, and I found myself hopeful that the pounds I had gained throughout my pregnancy would soon disappear. Since I was still recovering from a C-section, mobility was limited, but I did what I could to heal, stay active, and care for myself. By two weeks postpartum, I had lost 15 lbs. The following week, another 6. By mid-July, I was down a total of 26 lbs. As my scar healed and my mobility returned, I eased back into normal eating habits and activity levels, but the weight loss began to slow.
By November 2024, I fluctuated around 150 lbs. The methods I had relied on before - eating healthy and staying active, no longer produced the same results. My body, hormones, and lifestyle had shifted, and the usual strategies didn’t seem to work anymore. The advice I kept hearing was to focus on a calorie deficit and 10,000 steps a day. While that sounded simple enough, it felt nearly impossible to achieve with my daily routine: waking up, going to work where I sat for most of the day, eating a healthy lunch, coming home to care for my son while my husband worked, making dinner, attending classes, and preparing for bed before doing it all again the next day. This routine left little room for movement and caused my weight to plateau. Over time, I began to lose hope, wondering if I’d ever truly feel like myself again.
Developing a Strategic Plan
By April and May of 2025, I knew I wanted to get serious about losing the weight and regaining my confidence. I started planning ways to hold myself accountable and creating an intentional strategy to stay motivated. One of the biggest driving factors was how I no longer wanted to be photographed. I wanted to capture memories with my son, yet I often avoided the camera because I didn’t like the way I looked. There was even one photo of me that I absolutely hated, and that image became the spark that pushed me to commit to change. Although I was already eating relatively healthy, I knew my activity level needed improvement. I also struggled with food noise, processed sugar, and binge eating during those monthly “treat myself” moments. I realized I had to address these habits, but I didn’t want to restrict myself so harshly that I felt deprived. If the common advice was true, that eating balanced meals and walking 10,000 steps a day could make a difference, then I decided to focus on mastering that first before adding anything more intense. One advantage of working in education is having summers off, and I chose to dedicate that time to starting my health journey. My goal was to build healthier habits, feel more like myself again, and finally have the confidence to step in front of the camera with my son.
Here were some of the goals I set for myself:
Minimize processed sugar intake
Eliminate binge eating
Develop a calorie deficit according to my macros / portion control
Drink 64 ounces of water a day
Complete 10k steps a day
Minimize alcohol intake
Staying Proactive
As someone who never really had to think much about food or portion sizes, I suddenly found myself being far more intentional and proactive about what I put into my body. By June, I committed to waking up at 7 AM every day to walk 1-2 miles, which helped contribute to my 10,000 steps. The walking itself wasn’t hard, it was the early mornings that I found most difficult. But what I quickly discovered was the burst of energy I felt afterward. Starting my day that way left me feeling refreshed and mentally prepared for whatever came next. The rest of my steps usually came from moving around the house or adding another mile or two in the evening. On top of that, I began making small changes to my eating habits. While I was already eating fairly healthy meals, I started practicing portion control and focusing on my macros. I set a goal of 1,200 calories a day, broken down into 40% protein, 30% carbs, and 30% fats. That translated into roughly 120g of protein (480 calories), 90g of carbs (360 calories), and 40g of fat (360 calories). To make this manageable, I tracked my meals daily and kept things simple by eating many of the same foods. Breakfast often meant avocado toast, while dinners were high in protein. Snacks included protein-rich options like yogurt, shakes, or fruit to help me feel full and energized. After about three weeks of consistency, I had lost 7 pounds. At first, it didn’t feel like much compared to the effort I was putting in, but then I reminded myself that it was more progress than I had made in the entire past year; and that alone was worth celebrating. I'm blessed to also have an amazing partner who has been one of the greatest support systems in my life by joining me on my 7AM walks and healthy eating.
It's HARD
By the time July arrived, I stayed committed to my plan: drinking more water, hitting my daily step goal, cutting back on sugar, and even minimizing alcohol. The binge eating had nearly stopped altogether. The food noise was still there, but with my son keeping me busy most of the day, I didn’t have as much time to think about it for too long. Social media can make it look effortless, often summed up in a quick 60-second video, but the reality is that it is hard. The temptations, the easy access to food, the lazy days when motivation feels impossible; all of it. Waking up early to get moving is still a struggle for me, but seeing the results makes it worth it. One truth I’ve learned about being in a calorie deficit is that you will feel hungry at times, sometimes often. But that is part of making lasting changes. I don’t feel like I am starving myself; instead, I'm learning to listen to what my body truly needs versus what my cravings want. I still allow myself to indulge here and there instead of every single day like I used to. To stay consistent, I even set hourly alarms on my phone as reminders to drink water. At the end of the day, this journey is about building strength not just in your body, but in your mindset. Real progress begins when you learn the power of telling yourself, and sometimes others, "no". It is about practicing self-restraint and self-control, and honoring the commitment you have made to yourself.
My Health Journey Now
Going back to work has been incredibly rewarding, but it also meant adjusting my diet and exercise routine. I haven’t been able to hit 10,000 steps every day anymore, but I aim for it at least three to four times a week. After long days, the temptation to snack or choose an easy, unhealthy meal is definitely there. Still, I’ve become more mindful and purposeful with my choices, continuing to lean toward healthier options. While I’m not as strict as I was during the summer, I’m learning how to build a healthier lifestyle that fits my life now. It’s not perfect, and I don’t restrict myself from foods I enjoy. Instead, it’s about balance between meals, movement, and choices that support my goals.
After 12 weeks, I’m proud to say I’ve lost 15 pounds since focusing on my health journey. I’m now 135 lbs and continuing to make new changes as I move forward. I wanted to share my postpartum and health journey honestly, to show that the struggles many of us face are real and nothing to be ashamed of. According to the Body Mass Index, I would need to weigh a maximum of 123 lbs to fall into the “average” category. Realistically, I don’t think I’ll ever return to that size; and that in itself highlights the unrealistic social pressure women face. The standards set by charts like the BMI don’t always reflect health, yet they label me as currently “overweight."
My story is a reminder that even in the hardest seasons, we can grow, heal, and overcome. As I began to focus on myself, I started to find my “pink” again. Taking care of ourselves is not selfish, it’s essential, because when we nurture ourselves, we create space to show up fully in every part of our lives. Remember this: you are not alone, you are seen, and you are stronger than you think. I hope you find your pink, hold onto it, and when it begins to fade, surround yourself with people who will help you shine again.
With Much Love,
Metta
Comments